where do we go from here?
by xxlovingitxx
Summary: Things really weren't okay.... please read and review
1. us

When I was a little girl, I was always dependant and wouldn't be pushed around. I already had me death glare down by the age of 7. I didn't have friends, I didn't have anyone. I was the brainy blonde girl with glasses. I still am that strong and independent blonde. My walls were built high and no one could get through them to see me, to see past Dr. Hahn and see Erica. That was until I met Callie, Calliope Torres. She found the cracks in my walls and knocked the remainders of my wall down to reveal me. I don't know when we overstepped that line. When we became more then friends…. Was it when Addison visited? Was it when I kissed her in the elevator or when she kissed me outside the hospital? She was confused but so was I. We agreed to be scared together and that is why I don't know how we got to were we are now.

I sit there and I watched as she mutters 5 words. My heart broke as she told me that she had slept with Mark. I felt so stupid. She had broken through my walls and I gave her my heart. She had now handed it back to me, broken beyond repair but I wanted to salvage this relationship. I wasn't willing to lose my best friend so I said "okay."

She let me sit there and say okay, she let me pretend that everything was okay when it wasn't. I played along for days as I tried to pretend that everything was okay.

I sat on a bed in an on-call room. Straight from a four hour surgery, I was exhausted and in need of a good nap. I didn't hear the door open or Callie enter. Callie snuck up behind me and wrapped her hands around my waist. She kissed my neck. I turned around and moaned as she kissed me. I looked into her eyes and as I did all I could think about was her, her and mark. Images flashed through my mind as I kissed her and as she tried to undo the tie on my scrub pants. I looked at her but I couldn't get the images out of my mind her and Sloan, Callie and Mark. She continued kissing me not even realizing the internal battle that was now going on inside my head I tried desperately to push the images to the back of my head but I couldn't. I opened my eyes and stopped kissing her. I pushed her away form me and immediately saw the concern in her eyes. "What's wrong?" She asked. "I, I have to go." I said desperately trying to fight the tears that I could feel about to overflow. I ran from the on-call room and staggered into the hall. I wiped my eyes as I tried to hide the tears that now ran down my face. I went straight to the locker room and grabbed my clothes and changed before grabbing my bag and headed for the hospital exit. I walked through the doors and headed for my car when I saw her sitting there, on our bench. I could see her tears glistening in the moon light. I wanted to walk to her, I wanted to talk to her but I couldn't, I wouldn't. I didn't know what to say or do. I tried to back away and turn back into the hospital but she lifted her head where her eyes had formerly been looking at the ground and her eyes met mine.

I immediately looked down. Ashamed that I had ran before but still not seeing any other way to dissolve this situation. I turned around all the same and headed to the entrance. I was Erica Hahn, I never backed down from a fight but now I had no choice. I didn't want to lose her but I knew that I wasn't okay with her betrayal.

"Erica," I hear Callie call my name but I don't stop. I don't turn around. I feel her hand wrap around my wrist as she pulls me back and turns me around. "Erica, talk to me please." Erica turned around and looked in Callie's eyes they were filled with concern and sadness. "I, I can't…" I stutter. Callie looks at me. "What can't you do?" She takes my hand in hers but I quickly move my hand away from her. I see Callie's face drop as I mutter a single word. "Us."


	2. cry

I sat there stunned. Erica Hahn, Dr. Hahn never backed down or gave up but now she had. She'd given up on me, on us. Could I blame her? Really? After everything that I had put her through I don't wonder why she left or gave up on us but why it took her so long. She had given me a gift, the gift of her heart. I always wear my heart on my sleeve but Erica doesn't, she had never given her heart to anyone before. She had never let anyone in close enough to fall in love with them. I had managed to slip through the cracks of her armour to see the woman behind the title. Dr. Hahn stepped back so I could just see Erica and I abused her trust, I broke her heart and now she's walking away from me.

I stand there and watch as she walked away from me, as everything I thought I knew that maybe we one day would be vanished with her. She'd left me. She'd ended it and I really didn't know if I could fix it. She couldn't even be with me anymore and although I knew that our relationship was so much more than just sex but I knew that she wouldn't give me another chance. I couldn't even ask her for another chance, I didn't deserve it.

As the realization hit me, I broke down in the on call room. Tears cascading my face. Sobs shook my body but this time I knew no arms would wrap around me to try to console me because Erica wasn't there, she probably never would be again. It hurt inside, it felt like a part of me was missing.

My whole body felt heavy as I lifted myself off the ground and wiped my eyes. I didn't care that anyone could see that I'd been crying. I headed straight to the Chief's office and asked to take the rest of the day off. I told him I was sick and I guess that wasn't a complete lie as I walked back through the corridor the exhaustion and stress of the day made me physically sick and I ran to the bathroom praying I would get there in time. As I rushed through the door and straight to the toilet where I brought up my stomach's contents. I felt tears returning to my eyes but I blinked them back, I had to get to my car and back to Christina and my apartment.

I made my way to the exit of the hospital but not before Mark stopped me. He knew that something was wrong and quickly pulled my gaze from the exit and onto him. "What's happened?" His voice asked soothingly. His new leaf seemed to have stuck; maybe a leopard can change its stops after all. "I, I…." was all that I managed before the sobs claimed my body and I fell into his open arms, he held me up and stroked my hair as I cried.

I walked from the room, tears prickling at the back of my eyes. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream anything but I couldn't. I'd done it. I'd broken up with her, I'd told her it was over and it hurt, it hurt me to say it but it hurt me more to mean it. I couldn't take it anymore. I said okay but I knew that it wasn't okay. It hurt that I couldn't get physical with her, that when we did all I could do was picture her and Sloan.

She was no longer mine, was she ever?

I the next hour of so doing my rounds. I barked at anyone that dared come near me. Work was usually a great distraction after an awful day but not today so I looked at the clock and watched as it ticked waiting for my shift to end. Finally the clock struck and headed straight to my locker. I grabbed my clothes and quickly changed before grabbing my bag and heading straight for the exit. As I walked through the lobby of the hospital. Looking for my keys I noticed a raven haired beauty in the embrace of the local manwhore, Sloan. I watched as her head lifted and her eyes met mine.

She jumped from Sloan's embrace like a little kid caught stealing sweets from the jar. I dropped my gaze and turned around suddenly i had to be anywhere but here. I walked steady towards the lift and walked inside. The doors began to close and I felt relieved I didn't need to be confronted by Callie, just to find out I was some experiment, that I never really meant anything to her anyway. My hopes were quickly dashed as I saw a hand slide in just as the doors were about to close. I saw her face appear as the door reopened and then I saw as she smiled before I caught her as she hit the ground.


	3. pregnancy

I blinked my eyes open. I was lying in a hospital bed, Addison stood beside me. "Addie, what are you doing here?" "Callie, I think we need to talk first." I looked at Addison, concerned. "About what?" "Callie you passed out in the hallway." I shrugged. "Obviously. God Addie how did you think I wound up here?"

Addison walked round and sat on the bed next to me. "Cal, I don't think you understand. You passed out in the hall because, because…" I sat up, concerned. What's wrong with me? "Cal, I don't know how to tell you this but… Cal you're pregnant."

I looked at her in disbelief. I felt tears starting to form in my eyes. I sat their in shock before the tears started flowing. "What? No, no Addie, you must have made a mistake. I can't be. Oh my god!" Sobs shook her body as Addie held me tight. I didn't know what to do. My life was ruined. I was alone. I have no one. I can't be a single parent.

"Where's Erica?" I whispered as the crying finally stopped. I was out of tears. "Cal, Erica caught you. She doesn't know about your pregnancy. Do you want me to go get her?"

"Yes please." I muttered as she left to find her.

After catching Callie. She was quickly admitted but I kept my distance, as much as I wanted to know everything that was going on with her, I knew that it wasn't my place anymore. I wasn't her girlfriend anymore, I'm not even her friend.

I went back to my rounds. As I checked all of my patients repeatedly trying desperately to keep my mind of the raven haired beauty lying in a hospital bed not too far away from where I was. I walked past her room on numerous occasions but not once did I stop. Many times I waked past and looked inside to see her asleep on the bed, she looked so peaceful. Occasionally Bailey was in there with her but most of the time the room was empty until now.

As I walked past the room for the 5th time that day, Addison came bursting out of the room almost running straight into me. "Whoa! Sorry Erica. Oh my god Erica. Thank god. Callie really needs to see you." I stood their flabbergasted. "What are you doing here Addie?" "I'm here for a patient. Please you have to see Callie." I was hesitant. I knew that I shouldn't see her. That she would think that it meant something. That maybe there was still hope but there wasn't I am too broken to give her another chance so I turn on my heels and walked down the hallway.

Addison followed and pulled me back. "Erica, she needs you. Please don't walk away from her." I felt the anger reignite. "I didn't walk away from her. I was pushed over and over again and I refuse to play this game with her anymore. We are done. I jumped through so many hurdles trying to get to were I so badly wanted to be just to fine, she wasn't there and she probably never will be. I can't be there for her anymore. I give up."

I started walking back up the corridor. When I heard her voice. "I know you Erica. You never give up. Please don't start now."

Her words carved into me, she was right I don't give up and although my head was telling me that I should cut my loses and walk away now but my heart told me to go in their and talk to her and I had always trusted what the heart told me in surgery and other ways as well.

So I turned around and I walked inside Callie's hospital room. I could see her eyes were red rimmed and that she'd been crying and as much as I wanted to hold her and comfort her I knew that I had to remain professional. "What can I do for you Dr. Torres?" I asked her. She looked so fragile and vulnerable. "Please don't do this Erica. I need my best friend, please be my best friend again."

I sat down next to her on the bed and she clutched onto me like I was a life raft, desperately clinging to me praying she wouldn't drown. Sobs shook her body and I held her as she cried. "Shh, everything is going to be fine Callie." I didn't know what was wrong but I knew that whatever it was she was really cut up.

"Callie, what's wrong?" I asked her as her sobs subsided. She looked up at me, her eyes filled with sadness. "I, I'm pregnant." Tears started falling down again and I held her close as the shock set in. My Callie was pregnant.


	4. friends

I clung to her, so afraid that if I let her go she'd disappear on me again. I needed her here to hold me. To make this better but I knew that she couldn't. So I cried and cried while she shushed me and told me everything would be fine.

"Thank you Erica. I know that you don't want to be here but thank you." Erica smiled. "Callie, I'll always be here for you. You are my best friend." I felt tears reenter but they were tears of joy. "You mean I haven't completely ruined our friendship yet."

Erica smiled but quickly turned serious. "Callie, are you going to keep it?" I felt new tears coming. I am petrified of bringing a baby up alone, what it would mean for my career? my family? my friendship with Erica?

"Yes I am. I have to. I can't kill another human being." Erica hugged me tight. "I'm so scaried. I can't be a mother. I can't do it by myself. I, I, I'm scared." The tears ran and sobs shook my body as the realization dawned on me. "I can't do it alone. I can't. Oh my god. Oh my god." Callie started hyperventilating. Erica knew that this wasn't good. "Cal, baby. You're going to be fine." "no, I'm not. I can't do this. I, I, I'm all alone." I started hyperventilating again and Erica pushed the buzzer. Addison came rushing in.

Half an hour later, after Callie had been given a mild sedative, Addison and I were talking in the an empty oncall room. "Addison, are you going to be her doctor?" I asked her. "I can't. She lives in Seattle and I live in Los Angeles." "but she needs you. You're her only friend here. You and Mark. Mark doesn't even know yet does he." Addison sighed. "Erica, you're her bestfriend. You mean the world to her. When ever I call her all she talks about is you. Erica she needs you not me. She knows that she hurt you and she's been crying on the phone to me almost every night over you. She loves you, deep down I know you know that she needs you." Erica kept her face emotionless before exiting the room.

She walked down the hall and into the room. Mark stood outside Callie's room. Clearly he had heard through the grapevine that she had been admitted, honestly I'm surprised it's taken him this long to get here. He must have been in surgery.

"So how's your girlfriend doing?" he asked with a smirk. I sent him a death glare. I did not need the whole hospital knowing my personal life. "Is she awake?" I asked him.

He nodded. "you should go in, talk to her." I told him. "I'm surprised you're not I there. Although you have been avoiding her like the plague." He said with a smirk before entering the room.

I sat outside for ten minutes before a bewildered mark ran out of the room. I heard Callie's screams for Mark to come back between her choking sobs. I rushed into the room as the sobs shook through her body. "Oh Cal, what happened." She soke between her sobs. "he…. He…. Wants me to…. To kill…. He wants my baby dead Erica." She cried and cried until she fell asleep in my arms. I tried to maneouver my way from out from under her but she held me tight in her sleep. I lay there with her for hours and hours until she began to wake again.

"Erica, you've been so good to me but I understand if you don't want to know me. God, I wouldn't want to know me." "Callie, you have to understand that I'm sorry I walked away from you. That I avoided you and that I abondaned you even when you begged me not too and I'm sorry for that but I wont do it again. I'm going to be here for you and the baby but I, I want to forgive you, too trust you with my heart but I can't not again but I will be here for you as your friend." Callie tried to stop the tears from falling but her hormones were running high and I still didn't know what do, maybe this was a mistake.


	5. Lola

It had now been a week since Erica had agreed to support Callie as her friend and nothing more. Although it hurt Callie to know that Erica would never see her the way she used to, that they would never kiss again, make love or do anything else that was couple-y. It killed her to know that she could never call Erica hers again.

Callie knew that Erica was trying to support her but it was evident that neither of them knew just how to be friend. Had they ever really just been friends? Callie didn't know what she could ask of Erica anymore or what she could and couldn't tell her. She was so afraid of losing the little time she now spent with Erica that she was afraid to say or do something that she may later regret. She couldn't trust herself around Erica anymore.

Erica had barely seen Callie in the three days that had passed. Except for the occasionally lingering glance or the odd coffee break. Callie hadn't been suffering from morning sickness and was eternally grateful. She checked her schedule and realized that she had this weekend off. She checked Erica's schedule as well and counted her lucky stars when she realized that Erica would have the weekend off too.

She grabbed out her phone and sent Erica a text.

_Can we hang out together this weekend? Feel like I haven't seen you. : ) Callie_

Her phone beeped indicating a message. When she saw Erica's name on the screen a smile spread across her face that could have light the darkest day.

_Off course _x_Erica _

Callie's smile grew wider if that was even possible at the message that was now lighting her screen.

She had back to back surgeries for the afternoon. She spent the next two days immersed in work but she couldn't wait to spend the weekend with Erica. It was now Friday and Callie changed out of her scrubs, grabbed her bag and headed towards the hospital exit.

After climbing into the car she started the engine and headed over to Erica's. She knew that it wasn't the weekend as of yet but she couldn't wait. She remembered in the past when they would go to one another's houses after a stressful week at work and unwind with a bottle of wine.

The twenty minute drive filled her with a happy giddiness but also nervousness. She really wanted things to work out with Erica but she wasn't sure whether they ever would. She couldn't imagine her life without Erica but she knew that there would be a great chance that things would never work out with them again. She didn't want to be just her friend.

She didn't let her mind wonder any further as she parked her car and climbed out. Callie grabbed her purse and headed towards Erica's door. She banged on the door and waited for an answer.

Moments later the door opened and Erica's smiling face met hers. When she noticed who was at the door it changed. Into surprise but also something else that Callie couldn't distinguish. "Uh, Hi. I just, um….."

"Erica, who is it?" Callie heard a voice that she didn't recognize. Then a beautiful redhead came into view. She wrapped her arm around Erica while putting her hand forward to shake Callie's. "Hi, I'm Lola." Callie hesitantly took the hand and shook it. She was in shock. Erica had a gorgeous redhead in her house. Callie knew that Erica didn't make friends easily, she'd told her repeatedly. She could only assume one thing. She'd already moved on.

"I, I, I'll go." She quickly turned around and walked steadily back to her car.

Stupid Callie, Stupid. You should have known you meant nothing to her. You're so stupid!

Callie grabbed her keys and just as she was about to climb in she felt a hand on her shoulder. "Callie…."

Callie could feel the tears welling in her eyes. She couldn't bear to turn around and see the rejection she knew would be in Erica's eyes. "I'm sorry I ruined your night."

Erica grabbed her hand and pulled her around so that she could see her eyes. She could see them filling with tears. "Cal… there's someone I think you should meet." Callie felt a tear escape and run down her cheek. Erica wiped the tear away. "I don't think so. I'll just go. Maybe…..maybe another time." Callie knew that she never wanted to see the redhead again. She began to climb back into the car but Erica didn't let go off her hand. She tightened her grip and pulled her forward, almost dragging her back inside. Callie reluctantly followed.

Erica opened the door and lead Callie to the living room where the red head now sat with her feet on top of the coffee table. The image reminded her of when she was able to do that, that she no longer held a spot in Erica's heart. That she had been replaced, by the Lola, the redhead.

Lola removed her feet from the table and stood up. "Hi." Callie saw the concern that washed on her face. Erica gestured between the two of them. "Lola this is Callie. Callie this is Lola, my sister."


End file.
